A Relationship of the Heart - My Present Journey - part 2

One big step in my present journey came about 18 years ago when I began attending a non-denominational church. There I was taught the true meaning of praise and worship and in those times I began to feel the presence of God. Sadly, those times waxed and waned and because of that I still believed I was either doing something wrong or not doing something right. I tried so hard to "clean-up" my life; to get rid of anything that was hindering my walk with Him. Still, my sense of His presence was sporadic and my heart knew there had to be more.

As the years went on and I continued to seek love through "pleasing" I was time and time again disappointed and hurt. Unknowingly at first, and then with intent I began to harden my heart so that people and situations could not harm me. My children married, grand babies were born; yet in the midst of all the blessings God was giving me I was still alone and lonely; longing to be understood and thoroughly appreciated by someone. I continued to seek God, calling out to hear His voice to see His face but in my heart still did not believe that I was "good enough" for Him. After all, I had basically stopped attending church, didn't read my Bible or pray on a regular basis, why should I expect anything from Him - I wasn't "pleasing" Him. My husband, encouraged me to start attending church with him again, so I did but came home still feeling lost, alone and empty. I began to realize that my journey was not through the church but through the heart. I sensed that I could go to church everyday of my life but until I got my heart straight with God it wasn't going to get me any closer to Him.

So once again I made it my priority to seek His face. I started a new Bible study with my daughters, I started a daily quiet time and began to journal again. I also made up my mind that I was not going to stop until I found Him. I had no choice, even though my earthly life was so full and richly blessed there was nothing on the inside, I had quit living and was just surviving. At that point, I had been just surviving for so long that I didn't know how much longer I could continue going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, there were times of great happiness, times of a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment but everything was shrouded in shades of gray and short lived.

I wish I could tell you, dear readers, what is different this time but I don't know. I wish that I could give you a step by step list of instructions in case you, too, find yourself feeling as I did. But even if I could, it wouldn't do any good because God works in each of us in His own way and in His own time. Right now I am just so thankful that He is working in me in a way that He never has before and pray that this journey I have begun will continue until I leave this earth and truly see Him face to face. I have so far to go, so much more to learn, so many layers of "protection" that still need to be stripped from my heart and yes, I have already begin to experience the dry spells but it is okay because now I believe.