Struggles along the Road

I think this time of year in Wisconsin is the hardest for me. We are no longer locked in the dead of winter; yet the true promise of spring has not become apparent either. The climate struggles between warmer (sometimes sunny) days and then all of a sudden the earth will once again be covered under a blanket of white and the wind will be bitter. It is almost as if you can see the earth struggling to loosen winters grip; reaching and searching for the newness of life that spring will bring. When we are still in the middle of winter's cycle and the earth is covered in deep snow and all seems to be quiet and still; the tranquility brings a peace to me. When the day finally arrives and you wake up one morning to discover that the earth has sprung forth with green buds, early spring flowers, and birdsong while you slept; it tends to bring a song to my heart. (Those of you who live in Wisconsin will know what I mean - it literally does seem to happen overnight)

This fight between the death throes of winter and the life of spring seem to have me in their grip, also. My spirit, my moods, my heart are caught in a battle I struggle to free myself from. I find myself restless, anxious and searching for something that I can't completly grasp. Sometimes, I am not even sure what it is I am reaching for. Life has become a habit, a thing I do because it is what I do. Even those quiet moments when I seek God before the day has begun bring little peace to the restless spirit within me that so seeks the newness that spring symbolizes.
Often I struggle to spend that time searching for the source of my joy, my peace, my balance but I refuse to let go; I refuse to quit searching for the source of the promises I have been given.

Come, Lord Jesus, and bring to me and to the earth the beautiful promise of spring, of life renewed, of a heartsong that unites us as one. At the beginning of this year, You gave me this verse to feed my spirit; to help me bloom and grow. It is now my heart's cry, my plea, my prayer.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

Psalm 51: 10-12

The Jouney Continues

I had promised myself that I would be more faithful in updating this blog than I have been, and so for that I apologize. To be honest, I have been obsessing over what to blog about for over a week now and I still don't really know but have decided to just put my hands to the keyboard and see what comes out!

As most of you know, I recently made an "emergency" trip to Virginia to be with Alana and Mitch during a difficult time in their life. (For those of you who don't know their story it is on Alana's blog at http://www.showersofrayne.blogspot.com/ so I will not repeat it here) I do ask that you will keep them in your prayers, pray for God's healing of their hearts and that He will use this time of sadness to draw them closer to Him and to each other.

Even though it was kind of a sad trip, God did use it in many ways. I was able to regain some ground in a very dear friendship that Satan had stolen from me. I was able to spend some very precious time with my daughter and her husband, whom I miss dearly. I also found myself standing on a small balcony pouring out my heart to God begging Him for what I wanted and gently heard Him say - Is this really what you want or shall My will be done? Your will, Lord, your will. As heartbreaking as it was, I had to let go and trust Him. Trust and believe that He knew how badly everyone was hurting; he knew what we so desperately wanted. It was difficult for me to let go of my will and to put my faith in Him, to stand on the fact that He loved us and cared for us but He also knew what was best for all concerned. It was a very big lesson in trust for me, I had to let go of what I wanted and allow Him to work things out in His way. Even though I do not understand why things happened as they did I do know that God's word says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is the verse that God gave me to stand on for this year and now He was showing me that I had to apply it to everything in my life even those nearest and dearest to me. As a side note, on the day that we arrived, Alana handed me a notepad and said, I found these verses this morning and they have helped me - yep! one of them was the one I just quoted. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. I am learning to let go and let God, to believe in His goodness all the time in all situations.

As, I walk through each day trying more and more to rely on God and not self I am able to see His hand, to feel His love, to know His voice. Even when I am going through "dry spells" my heart knows that He is there. Even when I cannot feel Him, when I cannot "find" Him, when I feel lost, lonely and confused, I know that He has not lost me and sometimes that is all I have to hang onto - the knowledge that He has not let go of me and that as long as I continue to seek His face my future contains rich and glorious encounters with Him.

A Relationship of the Heart - My Present Journey - part 2

One big step in my present journey came about 18 years ago when I began attending a non-denominational church. There I was taught the true meaning of praise and worship and in those times I began to feel the presence of God. Sadly, those times waxed and waned and because of that I still believed I was either doing something wrong or not doing something right. I tried so hard to "clean-up" my life; to get rid of anything that was hindering my walk with Him. Still, my sense of His presence was sporadic and my heart knew there had to be more.

As the years went on and I continued to seek love through "pleasing" I was time and time again disappointed and hurt. Unknowingly at first, and then with intent I began to harden my heart so that people and situations could not harm me. My children married, grand babies were born; yet in the midst of all the blessings God was giving me I was still alone and lonely; longing to be understood and thoroughly appreciated by someone. I continued to seek God, calling out to hear His voice to see His face but in my heart still did not believe that I was "good enough" for Him. After all, I had basically stopped attending church, didn't read my Bible or pray on a regular basis, why should I expect anything from Him - I wasn't "pleasing" Him. My husband, encouraged me to start attending church with him again, so I did but came home still feeling lost, alone and empty. I began to realize that my journey was not through the church but through the heart. I sensed that I could go to church everyday of my life but until I got my heart straight with God it wasn't going to get me any closer to Him.

So once again I made it my priority to seek His face. I started a new Bible study with my daughters, I started a daily quiet time and began to journal again. I also made up my mind that I was not going to stop until I found Him. I had no choice, even though my earthly life was so full and richly blessed there was nothing on the inside, I had quit living and was just surviving. At that point, I had been just surviving for so long that I didn't know how much longer I could continue going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, there were times of great happiness, times of a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment but everything was shrouded in shades of gray and short lived.

I wish I could tell you, dear readers, what is different this time but I don't know. I wish that I could give you a step by step list of instructions in case you, too, find yourself feeling as I did. But even if I could, it wouldn't do any good because God works in each of us in His own way and in His own time. Right now I am just so thankful that He is working in me in a way that He never has before and pray that this journey I have begun will continue until I leave this earth and truly see Him face to face. I have so far to go, so much more to learn, so many layers of "protection" that still need to be stripped from my heart and yes, I have already begin to experience the dry spells but it is okay because now I believe.

A Relationship of the Heart - My Present Journey - part 1

The one word that keeps coming to me lately is BELIEVE; acutally it has been there for most of my life but has become very prevalant lately. To understand and appreciate the journey I am on today you probably need a little history.

I was born to a Southern Baptist family and raised in the church. The first Bible verse I ever memorized was of course John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." At the age of 12 I accepted Christ as my Savior and was baptized because I believed that there was a God, that Jesus was His Son, and that He had died on the cross to save us from our sins. I also believed that George Washington was the first president of the United States and many other such facts. To summarize, I went through most of my life with a "head knowledge" just trying to be the best person I could be and to do or not do the things I thought or was taught I should or shouldn't do. I knew there was more, there had to be more to being a Child of God than this and when I would ponder my situation I always felt like it had something to do with that word believe. Strangely enough I never doubted my salvation after all I believed, still I knew something was missing in my spiritual life. Others talked of walking with Him and talking with Him and while there were times I could look back on and so obviously see His hand on my life I knew I was not walking and talking with Him the way "they" were.

I have long suffered from a very low sense of self-esteem. I became a "pleaser" because I thought that if I just gave enough of myself, just did enough for others then they would give back to me; that they would love me and appreciate me for who I was- so not true! I believed that Christ died on the cross to save "us" from our sins but to be honest I did not believe that Christ died for ME - no, He died for the world, for us, and I just happened to be part of that group. My relationship with Him was not personal, nor was it a relationship of the heart. I wanted more, knew there had to be more. I prayed for God to give me more, had my church pray for me on more than one occassion and when I didn't feel like I received anything or had no evidence of it such as speaking in tongues it just increased my sense of not being "good enough" for Him. Then I would go through another phase of just riding the waves, living life to the best of my ability, and not expecting anymore from Him because I didn't believe I could ever be good enough to have more. I couldn't do whatever it was He wanted me to do or that I needed to do to have that personal relationship that I read about, others talked about, and I so deeply yearned for.