A Relationship of the Heart - My Present Journey - part 1

The one word that keeps coming to me lately is BELIEVE; acutally it has been there for most of my life but has become very prevalant lately. To understand and appreciate the journey I am on today you probably need a little history.

I was born to a Southern Baptist family and raised in the church. The first Bible verse I ever memorized was of course John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." At the age of 12 I accepted Christ as my Savior and was baptized because I believed that there was a God, that Jesus was His Son, and that He had died on the cross to save us from our sins. I also believed that George Washington was the first president of the United States and many other such facts. To summarize, I went through most of my life with a "head knowledge" just trying to be the best person I could be and to do or not do the things I thought or was taught I should or shouldn't do. I knew there was more, there had to be more to being a Child of God than this and when I would ponder my situation I always felt like it had something to do with that word believe. Strangely enough I never doubted my salvation after all I believed, still I knew something was missing in my spiritual life. Others talked of walking with Him and talking with Him and while there were times I could look back on and so obviously see His hand on my life I knew I was not walking and talking with Him the way "they" were.

I have long suffered from a very low sense of self-esteem. I became a "pleaser" because I thought that if I just gave enough of myself, just did enough for others then they would give back to me; that they would love me and appreciate me for who I was- so not true! I believed that Christ died on the cross to save "us" from our sins but to be honest I did not believe that Christ died for ME - no, He died for the world, for us, and I just happened to be part of that group. My relationship with Him was not personal, nor was it a relationship of the heart. I wanted more, knew there had to be more. I prayed for God to give me more, had my church pray for me on more than one occassion and when I didn't feel like I received anything or had no evidence of it such as speaking in tongues it just increased my sense of not being "good enough" for Him. Then I would go through another phase of just riding the waves, living life to the best of my ability, and not expecting anymore from Him because I didn't believe I could ever be good enough to have more. I couldn't do whatever it was He wanted me to do or that I needed to do to have that personal relationship that I read about, others talked about, and I so deeply yearned for.